Happiness is a choice

I often wonder if God is cruel.

'Is He trying to punish me for my past acts or is He trying to make me a stronger person?' 

The normal reaction one has when something bad happens is to ask the question why. 'Why is this happening to me? Why me?' Sadly, I fall into this category too. I would be so pessimistic about everything to the extent where I couldn't even stand myself when I look at myself in the mirror. I really hate this part of me, to be honest. It's unhealthy and may lead to a mental disorder. Negative emotion like this is like acid - it corrodes you almost immediately.

Nobody wants anything bad to happen to them but some things are really not within your control. I would try to hypnotize myself into believing that everything happens for a reason or things will get better soon. But what if things are still the same? What decision do you make then? What are the factors that you consider before making an important decision anyway? I know that letting go is good. Saying hello to goodbye can sometimes be beneficial to you. 'Your happiness and well-being should be your top priority.' Is that always true? If it's true, then why am I still struggling with the outcome from the decision that I've made? Happiness is a choice. If that's the case then Miss Por, you're really bad at making choices. Serves you right. 

The dilemma that people tend to have is that you would yearn to be understood but at the same time you don't want anyone to find out how weak you are. My thoughts and my action always contradict each other. Sometimes this makes me feel helpless. It's like you're drowning and you don't know how to swim but you're too afraid to call out for help. You find it difficult to ask for help. You worry how people would think of you. Would they mock you on the inside? Or would they be willing to help you? The possibilities are endless. The thing about people with negative thoughts and emotions bottled up in them is that they overthink about everything. They're oversensitive. It's rather hard for normal people to understand people like us because we're complicated and they're not. They wouldn't understand the difficulty of controlling your thoughts and actions. They wouldn't understand why we make a big deal out of a petty issue. Because they're not us. They don't experience what we're experiencing. The worst thing that could happen is that if they don't empathize us. Empathy is a kind of painkiller. When you're in pain but you're not given painkillers, what can you do other than trying to find ways to ease the pain? I think emotional pain is much more worse than physical pain. That explains why heartbreaks take longer time to heal. Because there's no definite ways of mending a broken heart.

If only we're born into this world with an instruction manual in our hands. It wouldn't be an exciting life but it would save us from useless heartaches. Just imagine that you have something to refer to when you're unsure of something, wouldn't it be better? I think it would make a difference. I'm at the stage where I just want everything to be as smooth as possible. I can't handle anymore unnecessary dramas in my life. 

I just want to be happy. Please.