An unintentional long post

I have always been constantly reminding myself that change is inevitable. No matter how much preservative you add into your tiny little life potion, you can never really preserve the intangible things in your life. As much as you want things to remain the same after a while, a little voice inside your head would let you know how foolish that thought is because you know that it is quite impossible for change not to happen.

Recently, I noticed changes in many things. I realized that some things have changed. People I know have changed. And the most unsurprising change I noticed was the change I saw in myself. Tell me, how not to change when you’re away from your friends and family and have to deal with shit all on your own? It has been half a year now and I would still be struck with sudden home sickness. I don’t care if such words are even proper words because when one is homesick, you don’t question her grammar and vocabulary.

I’m glad that being away from my family makes me appreciate them more. I never thought that I could be on the phone with my mum for more than an hour. I never thought that I would be thankful that I have an aunt who lives here permanently. I never thought that I would cry so much when I started to miss home. I never thought that I would feel lonely and defeated on some random days. I never thought that I have the strength to still face everyone with a smile on my face even though I’m dying to cry on the inside.

So, yeah. Starting over in someplace new is beyond hard. I am blessed because God arranged a boyfriend for me long before I came down to KL to start off my new life. Nothing is ever the same without him. Things would be a whole lot harder if I were to conquer every obstacle on my own. So I am really thankful and grateful to have him in my life. He really is a blessing and I cannot emphasize that enough.

I really have nothing to worry about at the moment but my hair fall problem has been bothering me since forever and it is getting worse. It saddens me to see my hair fall so much. :( Am I going to die soon? Tried various hair products but nothing works. Tried cutting my hair shorter than I wanted it to be, but still it doesn’t solve my hair fall problem. This is annoying. I don’t want to be bald! :’(

Can’t wait to go back to Penang. Air Asia is having a promotion now and a one-way ticket to Penang only costs RM10.61. But I have to take quite a number of days of leave so don’t think I’m going to take that offer. Already bought my August flight last month and I can’t wait to go home.

Recently, something else is bothering me. I can’t get over the fact that it’s already the middle of 2015. What is this? How did it happen? What happened? When I was complaining to JH how expensive my rental is and how unhappy I am living there, he told me that it would be better if I use the money to pay for the housing loan of our house. Yes, he mentioned ‘our house’. I thought he was joking but he was so serious about it. Last two days, he gave me a random phone call when I was at work telling me that he would bring me to the site of the new housing project to have a look at its location. I was… out of words. He even told his parents about his intention of buying a house, with me. I called and told my mum about it later on that night. She was supportive of me buying a house jointly with him but her next question took me by surprise. She asked, ‘You’re really buying a house in KL and don’t plan to come back to live in Penang anymore?’ I wanted to cry. But instead I acted cool and told her, ‘No choice because JH is in KL so I think next time I would probably be living here too.’ She kept quiet for a few seconds and continued the conversation as normal. But deep down I know that she’s sad and there were a few times when I caught her crying when I called her previously. I guess it is really difficult for a mother to fully let go of their children. After the conversation, I was quite moody for a while. All sorts of worries and thoughts came rushing to me - the house, the money for the house, my family, his family, my future, our future, marriage, responsibilities and etc. I’m having a panic attack. It makes me feel overwhelmed and it’s too much to take in at the moment.

All the while these are the thoughts that I’ve had in my head. I’ve yet to prepare myself for this but his determination to plan for our future is another form of security for me. I feel safe and secure holding onto the thought of my future, our future. Hopefully things will turn out to be okay for us. Keeping my fingers crossed.

Besides that, everything else is alright. I finally found someone whom I can talk to at work. This person told me that she wanted to get to know me better when she first saw me at work and surprisingly I felt the same way! Haha. She’s a really good listener which makes me feel comfortable because I talk a lot. Haha. God is really good. At least I no longer feel lonely at work. Glad that I’ve known a bunch of good colleagues from various departments. They’re all really friendly and helpful. Therefore, I can only say that I’m a really lucky girl to be able to meet all those nice people at work.

I think internal audit is okay. Not fun, not boring but just fine.  External audit would teach you more stuff but at least I’m still learning from what I’m doing at IOI now. So, no complaints. For now. Haha.

I’ve learned not to complain so much about everything and find joy in little things that happen in everyday life. Sometimes the little things define your happiness. Sometimes it’s the little things that matters.

The other day I was telling my friend about how I lack charisma and sophistication. She scolded me for being so negative and told me that I am charismatic because charisma was what she saw in me when she first met me. I was flattered of course because that really was a huge compliment. So I always remind myself to be a little bit more optimistic than I am. Because as cliché as it is, optimism is the key to happiness.

I’m currently in the midst of planning Guangzhou’s itinerary for the boyfriend. He’s going on a boys-only adventure soon. Haha. Looking forward to Krabi! It’ll be my birthday trip for next year. :) I’m glad that JH and I both love traveling. We plan to travel at least once a year no matter how busy we are. Guess life’s all about living, eh?

My colleagues used to ask me, ‘Why are you going back so early?’ and I used to tell them, ‘Because I have a life’, which is true because my life isn’t all about work. I’d rather lay on the bed with a book in my hand than to spend unnecessary time at work.

Speaking of work, I really need to get back to work. Blogging from work again! Goodbye. Till next time.