I have always been constantly reminding myself that change is
inevitable. No matter how much preservative you add into your tiny little life
potion, you can never really preserve the intangible things in your life. As
much as you want things to remain the same after a while, a little voice inside
your head would let you know how foolish that thought is because you know that
it is quite impossible for change not to happen.
Recently, I noticed changes in many things. I realized that some things
have changed. People I know have changed. And the most unsurprising change I
noticed was the change I saw in myself. Tell me, how not to change when you’re
away from your friends and family and have to deal with shit all on your own? It has been half a year now and I would still be struck with sudden
home sickness. I don’t care if such words are even proper words because when
one is homesick, you don’t question her grammar and vocabulary.
I’m glad that being away from my family makes me appreciate them more. I
never thought that I could be on the phone with my mum for more than an hour. I
never thought that I would be thankful that I have an aunt who lives here
permanently. I never thought that I would cry so much when I started to miss
home. I never thought that I would feel lonely and defeated on some random
days. I never thought that I have the strength to still face everyone with a
smile on my face even though I’m dying to cry on the inside.
So, yeah. Starting over in someplace new is beyond hard. I am blessed
because God arranged a boyfriend for me long before I came down to KL to start
off my new life. Nothing is ever the same without him. Things would be a whole
lot harder if I were to conquer every obstacle on my own. So I am really
thankful and grateful to have him in my life. He really is a blessing and I
cannot emphasize that enough.
I really have nothing to worry about at the
moment but my hair fall problem has been bothering me since forever and it is
getting worse. It saddens me to see my hair fall so much. :(
Am I going to die soon? Tried various hair products but nothing works. Tried cutting
my hair shorter than I wanted it to be, but still it doesn’t solve my hair fall
problem. This is annoying. I don’t want to be bald! :’(
Can’t wait to go back to Penang. Air Asia is
having a promotion now and a one-way ticket to Penang only costs RM10.61. But I
have to take quite a number of days of leave so don’t think I’m going to take that offer. Already bought my August flight last month and I can’t wait to go home.
Recently, something else is bothering me. I can’t
get over the fact that it’s already the middle of 2015. What is this? How did
it happen? What happened? When I was complaining to JH how expensive my rental
is and how unhappy I am living there, he told me that it would be better if I
use the money to pay for the housing loan of our house. Yes, he mentioned ‘our
house’. I thought he was joking but he was so serious about it. Last
two days, he gave me a random phone call when I was at work telling me that he
would bring me to the site of the new housing project to have a look at its
location. I was… out of words. He even told his parents about his intention of
buying a house, with me. I called and told my mum about it later on that night.
She was supportive of me buying a house jointly with him but her next question
took me by surprise. She asked, ‘You’re
really buying a house in KL and don’t plan to come back to live in Penang
anymore?’ I wanted to cry. But instead I acted cool and told her, ‘No choice because JH is in KL so I think
next time I would probably be living here too.’ She kept quiet for a few
seconds and continued the conversation as normal. But deep down I know that she’s
sad and there were a few times when I caught her crying when I called her previously. I guess it is really
difficult for a mother to fully let go of their children. After the
conversation, I was quite moody for a while. All sorts of worries and thoughts
came rushing to me - the house, the money for the house, my family, his family,
my future, our future, marriage, responsibilities and etc. I’m having a panic
attack. It makes me feel overwhelmed and it’s
too much to take in at the moment.
All the while these are the thoughts that I’ve had in my head. I’ve yet to prepare myself for this but his determination to plan for our future is another form of security for me. I feel safe and secure holding onto the thought of my future, our future. Hopefully things will turn out to be okay for us. Keeping my fingers crossed.
Besides that, everything else is alright. I finally found someone whom I can talk to at work. This person told me that she wanted to get to know me better when she first saw me at work and surprisingly I felt the same way! Haha. She’s a really good listener which makes me feel comfortable because I talk a lot. Haha. God is really good. At least I no longer feel lonely at work. Glad that I’ve known a bunch of good colleagues from various departments. They’re all really friendly and helpful. Therefore, I can only say that I’m a really lucky girl to be able to meet all those nice people at work.