Insecurity is not real

Hello! Finally done with my Tax paper but I'm preparing myself for the worst because what more can you do other than to leave it in the hands of God now? In my case, to leave it in the hands of the examiner.

Anyway, today I feel like talking about insecurity.

I've learned that insecurity is not real. Overthinking literally leads to being insecure. Sometimes I wonder what would it take for someone to make peace with the horrible thoughts playing in their minds? It's a never ending cycle - you overthink about something, doubt yourself, judge yourself, persuade yourself to believe your stupid thoughts, and finally convince yourself that it's not real when you've finally had enough.

Truth is, you never really know when someone you love is going to leave you. If they really want to leave, they will eventually find a way. You can't tie a person to a chair and force him to stay if his heart is no longer there. What I'm trying to say is that you can never own someone. Both of you are two separate and distinct individuals who have their own thoughts and opinions on everything. When you try to control the situation, you're actually risking to lose the person you love whether knowingly or unknowingly. Because I realise, the harder you try to hold onto something, the higher chance that you would lose it.

I've learned not to question so much, not to have expectations, not to be emotionally dependent on someone and to love myself a little bit more. Because what if everyone you love leaves you in the end? What does that leave you with? I need to be confident enough because I am special in my own way. I shouldn't be afraid of losing people I love because if they love me for me, they will find a way to stay. I will do what I can and what I should to maintain my relationship with my other half, my friends and my family. If at the end of the day, some still decide to leave then I know that I've done my part and there is nothing else that I can do. Love is a two-way thing. If you don't feel the same way as I do, then let me know and please walk out of my life. Thank you very much.

So much positivity these few days and I'm feeling really good about everything.

My November 2014

Just had the sudden urge to start blogging again. Merely writing down my unsaid thoughts.

Well, I have had a rough month. November is definitely not my month. Everything isn't going well for me. I know about the Law of Attraction. I really do. Somehow, it's easier reading the theory of the law than to try applying it into your life. A friend said that my thoughts are all very negative and that I'm often shadowed by negativity. I tried to be more optimistic. I just can't. You know, it's difficult to follow your own advice.

Revision month isn't really revision month. I'm stuck with the same daily routine everyday. Wake up, whine, study, cry and get back to bed. That was how I started off my month. Then when I finally see light at the end of the tunnel, it turns out to be just an illusion. I felt cheated. I thought after every rain there's a rainbow. I thought when you hit rock bottom, you would bounce back up. I thought pain is something I could get used to because I've had so much experience with it. Wrong. When you care too much about petty things, you tend to overlook the bigger picture. I wish I couldn't feel anything. I yearn for numbness at this stage. Anything less than that is unbearable.

"Win the battle, lose the war". This is something that I'll try to remember.

But I'm still alive; trying not to care so much. I've put in 100%, and sorry to say this but I've had enough. I'm going to withdraw 20-30% of what's left of my heart and guard it with my life.